coast to coast transcripts

(:START FEED)

MOLTAR: (SNEEZES)

ZORAK: Sixteen.

MOLTAR: (SNEEZES)

ZORAK: Seventeen.

MOLTAR: My nose is stopped up.

ZORAK: Yeah

SPACE GHOST: (INVISOS IN) Inviso in... (INVISOS OUT) Inviso out... (INVISOS IN) Inviso in... There, seems okay now.

MOLTAR: (SNEEZES, ENTIRE STUDIO SHAKES)

SPACE GHOST: Crimony! What's the ruckus, Zorak?

ZORAK: What ruckus? (MOLTAR SNEEZES AGAIN, STUDIO SHAKES)

SPACE GHOST: That ruckus.

ZORAK: Oh. Moltar's sick. (MOLTAR SNEEZES AGAIN)

SPACE GHOST: Bless you, Moltar.

(OPENING THEME MUSIC & TITLES; PART-WAY THROUGH, MOLTAR SNEEZES AGAIN, AND MUSIC & CREDITS START FAST-FORWARDING & REWINDING, AND PLAYING AT VARIOUS SPEEDS. SPACE GHOST INVISOS OUT & IN AGAIN)

SPACE GHOST: (LAUGHS) (ASIDE) That was odd. (ALOUD) Greetings! I am Space Ghost. (SMILES, LIGHT GLINTS OFF HIS TEETH) My guests tonight are recording artist and "Tonight Show" band leader Branford Marsalis, and former "Partridge Family" member Danny Bona-, Bon-, Bonaduckie.

ZORAK: Duce!

MOLTAR: (SNEEZES)

SPACE GHOST: Gesundheit!

MOLTAR: (SNORT) Thanks.

ZORAK: (PLAYS SPACE GHOST TO HIS DESK)

SPACE GHOST: Zorak, that... (FINAL DRUM BEAT) was less than satisfactory. Explain yourself.

ZORAK: I.. don't know. Don't look at me!

SPACE GHOST: I am looking at you.

ZORAK: Well, don't. (ZORAK & SPACE GHOST STARE AT EACH OTHER; ZORAK BLINKS)

SPACE GHOST: (DING!) Hah! I win, Zorak!

ZORAK: Grrrr...

SPACE GHOST: Okey-dokey! My first guest, unlike Zorak, is a talented musician. Please welcome Branford Marsalis. (MONITOR LOWERS, BUT BOUNCES REPEATEDLY) Moltar! Bad director!

MOLTAR: I can't control it.

SPACE GHOST: Have to use freeze ray. (FIRES FREEZE RAY AT MONITOR, IT FINALLY STOPS BOUNCING) Okay now. No more slip-ups. Remember, this is a professional talk show. (SOMEONE DROPS A MICROPHONE, FEEDBACK ENSUES; MOLTAR COUGHS IN BACKGROUND) (PAUSE) Branford!

BRANFORD MARSALIS: Hey, Space Ghost.

SPACE GHOST: Hey right back at you, Branford. So how goes the "Tonight Show?"

BRANFORD MARSALIS: It's going pretty good, sir.

SPACE GHOST: That's terrific. Mazel tov!

BRANFORD MARSALIS: Thank you very much, Mr. Ghost.

SPACE GHOST: I see you're chewing gum.

ZORAK: Gum?

MOLTAR: Gum?

ZORAK: Gum!

SPACE GHOST: Did you bring enough everyone?

BRANFORD MARSALIS: No, but I'll have some shortly.

ZORAK: No gum?

SPACE GHOST: So, do you enjoy being the "Tonight Show" band leader?

BRANFORD MARSALIS: Yeah.

SPACE GHOST: Is it fun? Do you enjoy working with Jay Leno?

BRANFORD MARSALIS: Yes, yes.

SPACE GHOST: In a way, you're like Ricky Ricardo, except without all that other stuff.

BRANFORD MARSALIS: Absolutely, absolutely.

SPACE GHOST: So, what evil crime have you committed against Jay Leno to become his band leader?

BRANFORD MARSALIS: I don't, I don't know. I would, I... I really don't think I've done anything wrong.

SPACE GHOST: (SOUND OF GAVEL FALLING) Guilty! (CROWD MURMURING IN BACKGROUND) So, what does Jay Leno do to help defend the universe?

BRANFORD MARSALIS: He doesn't do anything to help the universe. (LAUGHS)

SPACE GHOST: This concerns me. So, what is he like, then?

BRANFORD MARSALIS: He has all the money, all the babes, all the cars. He's the host. He's just like you.

SPACE GHOST: Hardly! I keep the universe safe; he doesn't! And, I have more trophies. (SMILES, LIGHT GLINTS OFF HIS TEETH AGAIN)

BRANFORD MARSALIS: Oh, I'll tell his you said that, and I'll tell his wife too. (GLARE FROM SPACE GHOST'S TEETH STARTS OVERLOADING THE CAMERAS)

ZORAK: Space Ghost! Shut your big mouth!

MOLTAR: Aaaah!

(SCREEN GOES COMPLETELY WHITE, THEN GOES BLACK; THEN, A BLUE SCREEN WITH A PICTURE OF ZORAK AND MOLTAR, AND THE WORDS "WE ARE EXPERIENCING TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES" APPEARS, WITH BACKGROUND MUSIC; A SHORT WHILE LATER, THE REGULAR SCREEN RETURNS)

ANNOUNCER: (VOICEOVER) We now join Space Ghost Coast to Coast, already in progress.

SPACE GHOST: ... something crawling on the table... (LOOKS UP) Who was that?

MOLTAR: (SNIFFLE) Some lady.

SPACE GHOST: (QUIETLY) Alrighty. (NORMAL VOICE) So, Branford, you have a new album! Tell us about it!

ZORAK: Yeah, give us some gum!

BRANFORD MARSALIS: Yeah, it's a, it's a really nice album, it's a very dramatic departure from what I usually do. It's more like a, a pop album.

SPACE GHOST: Uh huh.

BRANFORD MARSALIS: There's a lot of strange mixes on there...

SPACE GHOST: Speaking of strange mixes, you know what I had for breakfast this morning?

BRANFORD MARSALIS: No, I don't.

SPACE GHOST: A sausage and mayonnaise soup, with a cream of corn omelette. (GROANS AND GRUMBLING VOICES IN BACKGROUND)

MOLTAR: Oh, no, stop, don't!

SPACE GHOST: Some milk I left out in the sun for a week...

MOLTAR: (SOUNDING NAUSIOUS)

BRANFORD MARSALIS: Oh, come on, don't do that, man!

SPACE GHOST: And some fuzzy bread.

MOLTAR: I'm gonna be sick! ("HURLING" SOUNDS)

SPACE GHOST: Moltar! Damage report!

MOLTAR: I just hurled in my helmet!

BRANFORD MARSALIS: Oh, man!

ZORAK: Gross.

SPACE GHOST: I... think it's time to take a break (SOUND OF A CONTAINER BEING EMPTIED) Moltar! Not in the control room!

(:INTERRUPT FEED)

(:START FEED)

SPACE GHOST: (PLAYING "SONIC THE HEDGEHOG" ON MONITOR; EXITS GAME) Okay, we're back with Branford the Branford.

BRANFORD MARSALIS: Kick it.

SPACE GHOST: Branford, I wonder, does Doc Severinson ever show up and offer useless advice and mess with your horn section?

BRANFORD MARSALIS: Well, Doc gave me some really good advice right before, uh, the show started...

SPACE GHOST: (LAUGHS) That Doc! You've gotta love him.

BRANFORD MARSALIS: Yeah, he's, he's, he's hype, he's dope, he's, he's crazy.

ZORAK: (IN "RAPPER" OUTFIT, WITH "SCRATCH" NOISES) Mrrrrr, stick 'em!

SPACE GHOST: (STARES AT ZORAK) So, Branford, do you have musical knowledge to share with Zorak?

BRANFORD MARSALIS: Well, not the kind of knowledge you're referring to, but... (LAUGHS)

SPACE GHOST: What's so funny?

BRANFORD MARSALIS: Oh, sorry, were you... nothing, were you saying something, Mr. Ghost?

ZORAK: He was asking you, where's Zorak's gum? For me! Mine! My gum! Mine, not yours!

BRANFORD MARSALIS: Zorak, never eat anything larger than your head. (TO SPACE GHOST) How's that?

SPACE GHOST: Not so good.

BRANFORD MARSALIS: (SURPRISED) What do you mean?

SPACE GHOST: Would you care to join us for dinner after the show, Branford?

BRANFORD MARSALIS: Absolutely, what do we have, rabbit?

ZORAK: I will eat your liver, with some fava beans and a fine chianti. (SUP SUP SUP SUP SUP) Oh, and some gum.

SPACE GHOST: Yeah, right, Zorak. You and what army?

ZORAK: Ehhh, the Kiss Army. (ARMY VOICES: "YEAAAHHH! DESTROY ROCK CITY!")

SPACE GHOST: Er, right, right. (PAUSE) Branford, I mean, Branford, before you go, will you scat?

BRANFORD MARSALIS: Well, it's gonna cost you, bro, you know I won two Grammies.

ZORAK: (AT DESK WITH LASER RIFLE) Make with the scatting (FIRES RIFLE)

BRANFORD MARSALIS: A one, a two, a one two three... (SCATS FOR 4 BARS) (TO SPACE GHOST) Go!

SPACE GHOST: (SCATS FOR 4 BARS)

ZORAK: (SCATS FOR 4 BARS) Take it, Moltar!

MOLTAR: (TRIES TO SCAT FOR A COUPLE BARS) Take it, Space Ghost.

SPACE GHOST: (SCATS AGAIN; MOLTAR SNEEZES, AND BRANFORDS IMAGE IS REPLACED BY DANNY BONADUCE'S)

MOLTAR: Space Ghost... (SPACE GHOST KEEPS SCATTING) Space Ghost!

SPACE GHOST: (STOPS) Hey, that's not Branford! It's that Partridge kid!

MOLTAR: (SNIFFLE) We lost Branford.

ZORAK: And the gum? (PAUSE, THEN SCREAMS)

SPACE GHOST: Okay, everyone remain calm.

DANNY BONADUCE: Hello?

ZORAK: (FINISHES SCREAMING) (TO MOLTAR) You idiot!

MOLTAR: Sorry.

ZORAK: Shut up!

DANNY BONADUCE: Hello?

SPACE GHOST: Hello, citizen Danny!

ZORAK: (IN BACKGROUND) Shut up!

MOLTAR: (IN BACKGROUND) Sorry.

SPACE GHOST: So, what have you been up to lately?

DANNY BONADUCE: Hi, Space Ghost. Well, I, I've been very busy, but before I even say what I've been doing, let me just say I have hosts in the world...

ZORAK: (TO MOLTAR) What?

DANNY BONADUCE: ... and this is an honor for me.

SPACE GHOST: Okay.

DANNY BONADUCE: Just kidding! Ha!

SPACE GHOST: Listen, you have been in some trouble, haven't you, young man? In fact, you're very lucky to even be on my show. Don't you think you should thank me?

DANNY BONADUCE: Ha ha ha ha ha... Very funny...

SPACE GHOST: I'm serious, Partridge. Thank me.

DANNY BONADUCE: That makes me nervous.

SPACE GHOST: I'm waiting...

DANNY BONADUCE: Thank you.

SPACE GHOST: Thank you, Space Ghost.

DANNY BONADUCE: Thank you, Space Ghost.

SPACE GHOST: That's more like it. So, Danny boy, what super-power helped you battle the child star syndrome?

DANNY BONADUCE: I used the power of invisibility.

SPACE GHOST: I have that.

DANNY BONADUCE: Oh, no kidding!

SPACE GHOST: Would you use this super-power to help other child star victims?

ZORAK: (TO MOLTAR) Shut up!

DANNY BONADUCE: No, because I have met other child star victims, and I've got to say that it's my opinion that they pretty much are getting what they deserve.

ZORAK: Like Jan and Jayce?

SPACE GHOST: Who?

ZORAK AND MOLTAR: (LAUGH)

SPACE GHOST: Danny, do you mind my asking how much you made from all those years as a Partridge?

DANNY BONADUCE: I've got about eighty bucks and a lunchbox.

SPACE GHOST: That's it? That show made truckloads of cash! Boy, did you get rooked!

DANNY BONADUCE: Shirley Jones, David Cassidy, that's where all the money went.

SPACE GHOST: It's pathetic how they treat talent in Hollywood. Right, uh, talent, personality, and a quarter will get you a cup of coffee.

ZORAK: [No talent and no personality will get you a talk show]

SPACE GHOST: Uhhhh...] Danny, what was your favorite thing about the seventies?

DANNY BONADUCE: The beginning of the eighties.

ZORAK: (IN "PUNK" OUTFIT) Whip it, whip it good!

SPACE GHOST: Uhhhh...] Danny, what was your favorite Partridge Family song?

DANNY BONADUCE: I actually have a couple. "Echo Valley 2-6809" was one of my favorites. By the way, if you call that, you actually get an old lady in Arizona, it's very cool.

OLD LADY: (PHONE RINGS, SHE ANSWERS) Hello? Hello? Hello!

MOLTAR: (LAUGHS, THEN COUGHS)

DANNY BONADUCE: "I Woke Up In Love This Morning" (STARTS SINGING SONG)

SPACE GHOST: Ewww! Ewww! Joke's over!

DANNY BONADUCE: Oh.

SPACE GHOST: I understand you're in radio now. Plug your station!

DANNY BONADUCE: Um, let's see, uh...

SPACE GHOST: Wait for it... Go!

DANNY BONADUCE: I work at -- (SCREEN ZAPS, REPLACED BY LITTLE GIRL PLAYING A GUITAR & SINGING)

SPACE GHOST: Now what?

ZORAK: Oh, um, sorry. I was sitting on the remote.

SPACE GHOST: (QUIETLY) So, we lost Danny. That's okay. (SCREEN ZAPS BACK)

DANNY BONADUCE: Hello?

SPACE GHOST: Oh. You.

DANNY BONADUCE: (LAUGHS)

SPACE GHOST: Say, Danny the Danny?

DANNY BONADUCE: Yes sir, Space Ghost?

SPACE GHOST: What did you want to become when you were a kid?

DANNY BONADUCE: When I was a, a kid, I really only wanted two things. I wanted to be a policeman...

ZORAK: [Lousy screw!]

DANNY BONADUCE: ... and, uh, to punch out Donny Osmond, or really any member of the Osmond family.

ZORAK: When I was a larvae, I wanted to be the all-powerful ruler of the universe! (CROWN APPEARS ON HIS HEAD)

MOLTAR: Me too! (CROWN APPEARS ON HIS HEAD ALSO)

ZORAK: And, to have some gum.

SPACE GHOST: Do you know what gum is?

ZORAK: Nnnnnnnnnnno... But I want some!

DANNY BONADUCE: Have you ever met Donny Osmond, Space Ghost?

SPACE GHOST: I'd... (CROWN APPEARS ON HIS HEAD) I'd rather not talk about it. (CROWN DISAPPEARS)

DANNY BONADUCE: Got it!

SPACE GHOST: Danny, you sound rather hoarse. Perhaps you've got The Sick of Moltar!

MOLTAR: What?

SPACE GHOST: Maybe I should take a look. Say "Ahhhhh!"

DANNY BONADUCE: Ah.

SPACE GHOST: Louder, please.

DANNY BONADUCE: AaaaaaAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!! (GLASS BREAKS ALL OVER THE STUDIO, ALARMS GO OFF)

SPACE GHOST: Okay, everyone remain calm.

ZORAK: Space Ghost! (GETS PULLED OUT OF HIS SEAT, FLIES ACROSS ROOM) Wheeeee!!

DANNY BONADUCE: You know, I, sort of after this, Leno sucks.