coast to coast transcripts

(DRAMATIC ORCHESTRA HIT)

BOBCAT GOLDTHWAIT: Yes! Hello, if you are watching us on other planets, I want you to know that... on Earth, I am the leader, I rule! Everyone on Earth must follow me! Ha ha ha ha! (ASIDE) Don't tell them the truth, okay, Space Ghost?

(OPENING THEME MUSIC & TITLES)

SPACE GHOST: (INVISOS IN) Greetings! I'm Space Ghost. Welcome to the show. Joining me tonight, comedian Bobcat Goldthwait, and rock and roll citizens The Ramones.

ZORAK: (JAMMING) Hey ho, let's go! Hey ho, let's go!

SPACE GHOST: Zorak is all geeked up about the Ramones being here. (ZORAK KEEPS JAMMING) That's good, Zorak. (KEEPS JAMMING) That's enough Zorak. (KEEPS JAMMING) Zorak! (JAMMING WINDS DOWN & STOPS) My first guest... (ONE MORE NOTE INTERRUPTS SPACE GHOST) ... (TAPS CARDS) My first guest is a comedian. He is Bobcat Goldthwait, welcome him! (INTRO MUSIC PLAYS & SCREEN LOWERS; ZORAK'S FACE IS ON THE SCREEN INSTEAD OF BOBCAT)

ZORAK: (IMITATING BOBCAT) Uh, hi, Space Ghost!

SPACE GHOST: Aaah!

ZORAK: (BACK TO NORMAL VOICE) Your show is lame.

SPACE GHOST: Are you done, Zorak?

ZORAK: I'm Bobcat, interview me.

SPACE GHOST: You're not fooling anyone, Zorak, we know it's you.

ZORAK: Is this how you treat your guests?

SPACE GHOST: Moltar!

ZORAK: Wait!

(MOLTAR WATCHES ZORAK ON MONITOR WITH THE FOLLOWING CAPTION, IN MIRROR IMAGE WRITING:

Inseca Genii
Helicoptera 2:3.9
Phyl Disgustis 7
Locusta Icky 3.5
Creepy Cra{?}
Weedhopps
Slimi Green {?}
Surplus {?}
LOCUST LINK)

MOLTAR: Sorry, man, boss's orders. (THROWS LEVER)

ZORAK: No! (ZAPS OFF SCREEN; NEW IMAGE IS INFINITE REGRESSION OF SPACE GHOST'S SET)

SPACE GHOST: Hey, it's me, watching me, watching me, watching me!

MOLTAR: Simpleton!

SPACE GHOST: Are you lookin' at me? You must be lookin' at me. There's no one else here... (SHOOTS AT SCREEN TWICE WITH POWER BANDS) (LAUGHS) Alrighty!

MOLTAR: Gawd, loser! (THROWS SWITCH AGAIN, BOBCAT APPEARS)

SPACE GHOST: Hello, Bobcat, welcome to the show.

GOLDTHWAIT: Hi, Space Ghost, how are you today?

SPACE GHOST: I'm energized, just like a jittering woodchuck. You know, when they cling to the side of a tree, and their jaws move up and down and up and down over and over really fast gaining speed until its just a blur of vibrating gums and lips (MOUTH BECOMES A BLUR) ... Energized! (MORE SUBDUED) And, how are you, Bobcat?

GOLDTHWAIT: I'm livin' a dream, thanks a lot for having me back on the show.

SPACE GHOST: We're certainly glad to have you back on the show.

GOLDTHWAIT: Although I've never been on the show before, you ...

SPACE GHOST: Of course you haven't.

GOLDTHWAIT: You look pretty good.

SPACE GHOST: That's because I've been lifting heavy objects.

GOLDTHWAIT: Really? Yeah, well, it shows, you look pretty cut, you look pretty buff.

SPACE GHOST: Well, aren't you sweet? I like you, Bobcat.

GOLDTHWAIT: I like you, Space Ghost. I got a question; what's, what's your real name?

SPACE GHOST: (PAUSE) Uhmmm...

ZORAK: Tad Ghostal.

SPACE GHOST: (GLARES AT ZORAK)

GOLDTHWAIT: Tad Ghostal? Really? Stick with Space Ghost, much cooler.

SPACE GHOST: (FACE GETS RED) Er, I agree.

GOLDTHWAIT: Wouldn't really work on the babes too much in a bar...

SPACE GHOST: I, I agree...

GOLDTHWAIT: "Hi, I'm Tad"?

SPACE GHOST: I realize that! (PAUSE) Zorak's real name is Katy Did.

ZORAK: (LOOKING SURPRISED) What?

GOLDTHWAIT: (LAUGHS) Hi Zorak, how ya doin', pleasure to be on the show.

ZORAK: Oh no, the pleasure is all mine! (THINKS: PATHETIC EARTHLING! YOUR FEEBLE WORDS DO NOT AMUSE ME!)

GOLDTHWAIT: Zorak? Do you eat your young?

ZORAK: (LOOKS SURPRISED) Uh, um...

SPACE GHOST: Zorak eats anything, young, old, and then some! (BOBCAT MAKES "ZORAK" FACES WHILE SPACE GHOST TALKS) Say, Bobcat is a good name! Tell us, what's your secret identity?

GOLDTHWAIT: My secret identity? Like, if you saw me in real life

SPACE GHOST: Uh...

ZORAK: Yeah, like if he saw you in real life.

GOLDTHWAIT: Uhhhhh... I.. Joey Lawrence.

SPACE GHOST: Get out! I've got your album!

GOLDTHWAIT: Yeah, girl, you know it's true.

SPACE GHOST: I hear Blossom hates you.

GOLDTHWAIT: Tad!

SPACE GHOST: Well?

GOLDTHWAIT: See, it's an issue right now, and I feel strongly about it.

SPACE GHOST: You don't look very strong.

GOLDTHWAIT: Well, I may look small, but I'm pretty wiry.

SPACE GHOST: Sorry.

GOLDTHWAIT: Space Ghost, I've got a question for you, and this isn't, I'm not trying to be weird or anything, but... do you think I'm pretty?

SPACE GHOST: (LOOKS BACK BLANKLY)

GOLDTHWAIT: Just like another guy to a guy?

SPACE GHOST: (PAUSE) Ummm... Yes! I think you're a pretty man.

GOLDTHWAIT: Thank you. I think you're kind of handsome too, Space Ghost. Although the locust, hmmm, I dunno.

ZORAK: (GLARES AT HIM, "PSYCHO" MUSIC PLAYS)

SPACE GHOST: Hmmmm, I see what you mean... But on a serious note, Bobcat, how would you stop crime in America?

GOLDTHWAIT: I think you wanna stop crime in America, you say a very special episode of "Blossom" where the entire cast gets ball peen hammers in the knee caps...

SPACE GHOST: Ooooh...

GOLDTHWAIT: I promise you there'll be a half-hour of non-violent America. Because everybody'd be glued to the set. 'Hey, they hit Joey Lawrence in the knee cap yet?'

SPACE GHOST: You think that could work?

GOLDTHWAIT: Well, no, not really. Perhaps I, I need to loosen my pants.

SPACE GHOST: Go ahead!

GOLDTHWAIT: (LOOSENS PANTS, SOUND OF PRESSURE ESCAPING) Oooo! Man, I feel better already! Wooo!

SPACE GHOST: You should try spandex!

GOLDTHWAIT: Yeah, you know, I'm actually one of the only super heroes that wears leisure suits.

SPACE GHOST: Speaking of heroes, who are yours?

GOLDTHWAIT: Wow! Um, geez, I dunno, I like all the greats, you know, Curly. I think that's what my coif actually looks like, what if Rutger Hauer and Curly Howard pounded out a baby... 'Hey, Moe, I'm a replicant! Ne ne ne ne ne!' (MAKES STOOGE HAND & FACE GESTURE)

SPACE GHOST: (LAUGHS) (THINKS: REPLICANTS WERE THE EVIL CREATION OF DR. ZIN) (ALOUD) Ahem, let's see, where am I? (MUMBLES) Oh! Who is your arch enemy?

GOLDTHWAIT: John Tesh.

SPACE GHOST: The composer?

GOLDTHWAIT: The whole man. John Tesh scares me.

SPACE GHOST: Say, do you need any weapons?

GOLDTHWAIT: Yeah, what size power band are you?

SPACE GHOST: Colossal! Why?

GOLDTHWAIT: Because I have a, I'm usually like a, a small power band, believe it or not, but I've been retaining a lot of fluids lately, so, probably like a medium power band.

SPACE GHOST: How about a nice pleated skirt?

GOLDTHWAIT: Boy, Space Ghost, you're really switching gears!

SPACE GHOST: Hey, it's a 15 minute show! And, we have to take a break.

GOLDTHWAIT: What's the locust's name again, I'm sorry?

SPACE GHOST: Zorak.

GOLDTHWAIT: Oh, yeah.

SPACE GHOST: Zorak. I like saying 'Zorak.'

GOLDTHWAIT: Zorak, play me something public domain.

ZORAK: (PLAYS SOMETHING FROM THEIR VAST EASY LISTENING LIBRARY)

SPACE GHOST: We'll be right back after this.

ZORAK: It appears we will be right back.

(:INTERRUPT FEED - COMMERCIAL BREAK)
(:START FEED - BACK FROM BREAK)

ZORAK: Uh, because no one can stop it, the show is back.

(THEME MUSIC PLAYS IN BACKGROUND)

GOLDTHWAIT: Barney's going to make more kids snap than Bugs Bunny.

SPACE GHOST: Uh huh.

GOLDTHWAIT: A kid knows Bugs Bunny's joking around, kids think Barney's for real!

SPACE GHOST: Uh huh.

GOLDTHWAIT: 'I love you.' You don't love us, Barney. You don't even know us!

SPACE GHOST: Okay! We're back with Bobcat Goldthwait! I understand that you have special powers.

GOLDTHWAIT: Yes. I'm able to, uh, bend forks.

SPACE GHOST: Wow!

GOLDTHWAIT: But only at Denny's. Any other kind of forks I don't seem to be able to bend.

SPACE GHOST: Wow, now, is this physically or mentally?

GOLDTHWAIT: Um, I do it with my mind... but you gotta look away, really, for a little while.

SPACE GHOST: When I said you were pretty, I meant, you remind me of Judy Collins.

GOLDTHWAIT: Judy Collins? (LAUGHS) Wow, Space Ghost, man, crack a window, will ya?

SPACE GHOST: I'd be violently sucked into space.

MOLTAR: Heh, then maybe people would tune in.

GOLDTHWAIT: Well, I think Moltar's giving us the signal to wrap it up, huh, Space Ghost?

SPACE GHOST: No, Bobcat, that's just his way of telling us to finish the interview. Join us for dinner after the show?

GOLDTHWAIT: Thanks, I'd love to join you for dinner, but I don't know about eating with no gigantic locust. Don't they spit on their food first and then mulch it up and spit it back out?

ZORAK: That's regurgitational ingestion. Flies do it, not locusts.

GOLDTHWAIT: Yeah, well that, but you know, that's exactly how I eat, so, perhaps I will dine with you.

SPACE GHOST: Alrighty! We'll meet you in the chamber after the show. Any parting words?

GOLDTHWAIT: Space Ghost, I want to party with you.

SPACE GHOST: You mean with a party cake and lemonade and paper hats?

GOLDTHWAIT: Perhaps, perhaps.

SPACE GHOST: Alrighty then! My next guests are Zorak's favorite band. Please welcome the Ramones!

GOLDTHWAIT: Thanks, man.

(RAMONES APPEAR ON SCREEN)

ZORAK: Hey, Joey.

JOEY RAMONE: (WAVES)

SPACE GHOST: Okay then. Identify yourselves, Ramones.

JOHNNY RAMONE: Hi, I'm Johnny Ramone.

MARKY RAMONE: And I'm Marky Ramone.

JOEY RAMONE: And I'm Joey.

C.J.: And I'm C.J.

ZORAK: And I'm Zorak Ramone.

MOLTAR: And I'm Moltar Ramone.

SPACE GHOST: (TO CAMERA) They're not really Ramones. (TO RAMONES) Say, fellas, tell us about your new record.

JOHNNY RAMONE: "Acid Eaters", that's our latest album, it's a cover album of, uh, songs that were recorded in, um, generally around the 1967-68 period of time.

SPACE GHOST: And it's just now coming out?

RAMONES: (ALL LAUGH)

SPACE GHOST: Say, guys, on your third album, "Rocket Fuel", (STARTS GIBBERING) whoops, too many Cokes.

RAMONES: (ALL LAUGH)

SPACE GHOST: Ah ha haa! Hey! Tell me about your music.

C.J.: It's snappy.

JOHNNY RAMONE: It's always meant for rebellious kids

SPACE GHOST: Rebellious?

JOHNNY RAMONE: Uhhh, we're a bunch of punks.

SPACE GHOST: Hmmm... Well, you just listen to me, you punks, I don't want any trouble from you. This is a good show. This is a clean show. This is a good clean show.

C.J.: You ever get a wedgie in tights? It's not pleasant. (LAUGHS)

SPACE GHOST: Uhhh...

GOLDTHWAIT: (ON CONTROL ROOM MONITOR, WITH LOCUST TEXT FROM BEFORE, TO MOLTAR) This is going as well as the Letterman-Madonna interview.

MOLTAR: Yup.

SPACE GHOST: Allll right then, you punks, you're musicians, make something up for me.

MARKY RAMONE: Well, how about: "way, we-we-way, wah wah-wah-wah-wah-wah-wah, way way way way way way-we-way.

SPACE GHOST: "Way way way"; that's catchy!

JOEY RAMONE: It was subliminal.

MARKY RAMONE: That was, that was the instrumental part.

SPACE GHOST: Ah!. Uh, do the word part.

MARKY RAMONE: How about: "Space Ghost, Space Ghost, you're the most, from coast to coast..."

SPACE GHOST: Listen, we have to go. Bobcat invited me to a party, with a party cake and lemonade and paper hats, and you can't come because you're punks and punks don't go to parties. Hey, you guys got a cake!

MARKY RAMONE: It's a nice chocolate vanilla.

JOHNNY RAMONE: There's plates right there...

SPACE GHOST: Hey! Where'd you guys get that cake?

(ALL RAMONES ARE "WEARING" PAPER HATS)

MARKY RAMONE: You want a piece of this?

C.J.: Yeah.

SPACE GHOST: That's my party cake! Where did you guys get my party cake? Who gave them my party cake? I want my party cake! That was specifically definitely for Bobcat and me! Zorak! Did you give them my party cake?

ZORAK: (WITH PAPER HAT ON & CRUMBS FALLING OUT OF MOUTH) Uh, what party cake?

MOLTAR: (WITH PAPER HAT & CAKE) Mmmm, chocolate party cake.