coast to coast transcripts


SPACE GHOST: (LAUGHS) Funny, Adam, what other funny stories can you tell me before we go on the air?

ADAM WEST: Uh, oh yes, I remember one time with the late Vincent Price, who played Egghead...

SPACE GHOST: Yeah.

ADAM WEST: We were in the cliff-hanger on the show, and, uh, we were supposed to be in an egg fight, Robin and I, with Egghead. Well, the prop guys had brought probably eight -- (SPACE GHOST DOZES OFF, MONITOR GOES BLANK)

SPACE GHOST: (WAKES UP) Ehhh... Well? Okay! We're back with Bobcat Goldthwait. What? Where am I? Moltar, what happened to the feed? Did I fall asleep, Zorak?

ZORAK: Yeah.

SPACE GHOST: Moltar, get the feed back! Sorry. Was I snoring or anything?

ZORAK: You were drooling.

SPACE GHOST: Oooow... Moltar, what are you doing? Moltar! Now I'm punchy. (INVISOS TO THE CONTROL ROOM; MOLTAR ISN'T THERE. HE READS A NOTE ON MOLTAR'S SCREEN) "If you ever want to see Moltar again, surrender your power bands and give me control of the universe. If you don't comply, Moltar will be resickled, recycled. Signed, Your Mother." Hmmm...

ZORAK: Holy stolen lava, Space Ghost, Moltar's been kidnapped!

SPACE GHOST: Right you are, my little green friend. An evil ploy by Your Mother. (FLIES BACK TO DESK)

ZORAK: Your mother.

SPACE GHOST: No, not my mom, somebody else's mom. Someone's sick and deranged mom.

ZORAK: Oh.

SPACE GHOST: Zorak, we'll need help. I'll scan the Space Frequency Demodulator with my Remote Control Ray to find Batman. Restricted.

ZORAK: You do that... (ECHO EFFECT) I am becoming...

BATMANTIS: Meanwhile, at the bandstand, a hideous mutation rears its ugly head. So hideous, that it must be censored. (EXPLOSION)

ANNOUNCER: I shiver with power. I ache with disease. I am Batmantis! ("BATMAN" MUSIC & SOUND EFFECTS BEGIN IN BACKGROUND)

SPACE GHOST: Aaaa! (STARTS TO FIRE AT BATMANTIS)

BATMANTIS: Wait! (BALLOON WITH "BLAP!")

SPACE GHOST: Oh, it's you! Good costume. Look! Shoot a ray, and you get a word. (SHOOTS RAY, GETS BALLOON WITH "OBVIOUS PARODY!")

BATMANTIS: Shoot an adjective.

SPACE GHOST: (SHOOTS RAY, GETS "INSIPID!")

BATMANTIS: Shoot a proper noun!

SPACE GHOST: (SHOOTS RAY, GETS "KENNY ROGERS!")

BATMANTIS: Shoot the theory of evolution!

SPACE GHOST: (SHOOTS RAY, GETS THREE PARAGRAPHS OF UNREADABLE TEXT ABOUT THE THEORY OF EVOLUTION) Look into the eyes of justice, Your Mother. You'll never get my power bands, savvy? Batmantis and I will fight you to the end

BATMANTIS: I must go to the control room.

SPACE GHOST: To get butter and cheese?

BATMANTIS: No, to find Moltar.

SPACE GHOST: Oh, oh, yeah, yeah.

(TRANSITION EFFECT & MUSIC)

LEE MERIWETHER APPEARS ON MONITOR)

SPACE GHOST: Lee Meriwether! (STING MUSIC)

LEE MERIWETHER:( LAUGHS)

SPACE GHOST: You were Catwoman, weren't you?

LEE MERIWETHER: Yes, a long, long time ago. (LAUGHS)

SPACE GHOST: I'm looking for Batman, but maybe you can help me too.

LEE MERIWETHER: I beg your pardon?

SPACE GHOST: Moltar's been kidnapped, and I must save him.

LEE MERIWETHER: Oh, dear, the pity.

SPACE GHOST: Will you work with me, Lee?

LEE MERIWETHER: It would be thrilling, I, I, I'll take on, I'll take on the job if you really think I could.

SPACE GHOST: I do. I'll send you up to Batmantis.

LEE MERIWETHER: Okay. (LAUGHS)

SPACE GHOST: Have you ever met Batmantis?

LEE MERIWETHER: I haven't, but I can hardly wait

(TRANSITION EFFECT AND MUSIC)

BATMANTIS: (IN THE CONTROL ROOM) Lee Meriwether!

LEE MERIWETHER: Oh, is that it?

BATMANTIS: Afraid?

LEE MERIWETHER: (LAUGHS)

BATMANTIS: Moltar's been stolen!

LEE MERIWETHER: Well, I don't think you have to worry or fear, because, um, uh, we have two great caped crusaders, Batman and...

BATMANTIS: I am Batmantis! Say it with me, Bat-Mantis!

LEE MERIWETHER: Oh dear!

SPACE GHOST: (BACK IN THE STUDIO) Moltar, can you hear me? Are you there, son?

ADAM WEST: Yes, hello, hello.SPACE GHOST: Great, you're back, Adam!

ADAM WEST: You're talking to me?

SPACE GHOST: Ahem! I mean, Bruce Wayne. (IN LOW VOICE) I know you're really Batman, (IN NORMAL VOICE AGAIN) but can I call you Adam, Adam?

ADAM WEST: Sure, if you want to blow my cover, Tad.

SPACE GHOST: Look, Your Mother's taken Moltar. Become Batman and help me.

ADAM WEST: No.

SPACE GHOST: Come on, I need your superpowers.

ADAM WEST: Uh, I have none.

SPACE GHOST: What!

ADAM WEST: I'm just a little crazy, obsessed with fighting crime, but I have no super-powers.

SPACE GHOST: So, your whole life is a lie.

ADAM WEST: Wherever I find it, I fight crime, and there is a crime here today, I see.

SPACE GHOST: No kidding.

ADAM WEST: (THEY STARE AT EACH OTHER FOR A WHILE, THEN ADAM HOLDS UP BOOK HE WANTS TO PLUG) Look, look!

SPACE GHOST: That's nice. Listen, if I use my mask in combination with my --

ADAM WEST: Yes, all the answers, all the answers are here in my new book.

SPACE GHOST: All the answers?

ADAM WEST: Yes, all the answers. (LAUGHING)

SPACE GHOST: Will you beam me a copy right now?

ADAM WEST: Yes, if you'll take me to lunch somewhere in the universe.

SPACE GHOST: No time for lunch, Adam. Gimme the book.

ADAM WEST: No.

SPACE GHOST: Gimme the book!

ADAM WEST: No.

SPACE GHOST: (PAUSE) You wimp. Well, I won't have to fight Your Mother alone. I have a Batmantis.

ADAM WEST: I have a Robin.

SPACE GHOST: I have a Batmantis.

ADAM WEST: I have a Robin, Space Ghost.

SPACE GHOST: You, sir, have nothing. You've been cancelled.

ADAM WEST: Shut up, Space Ghost.

SPACE GHOST: I'm still on the air. I'll fight without you.

ADAM WEST: Good. I'll be here when you get back.

SPACE GHOST: (PAUSE) Yeah.

ADAM WEST: Am I a difficult guest?

SPACE GHOST: No, you're a prince! (TELEPHONE STARTS RINGING)

ADAM WEST: Are you disappointed?

SPACE GHOST: A call on the space feed! I have to go, Adam, er, Batman, I mean, Bruce. Whatever!

ADAM WEST: Is this-- (ZAPS OFF SCREEN, REPLACED BY YOUR MOTHER)

YOUR MOTHER:Space Ghost!

SPACE GHOST: Who are you?

YOUR MOTHER: I am Your Mother! (STING MUSIC)

SPACE GHOST: You are not!

YOUR MOTHER: Heed my will, surrender your power bands to me at once!

SPACE GHOST: You're not my mom!

YOUR MOTHER: Yes I am!

SPACE GHOST: Are not!

YOUR MOTHER: Yes I am!

SPACE GHOST: What have you done with Moltar, you harlot?

YOUR MOTHER: He's locked in a sub-zero vaporizing cabinet, where he'll catch his death. (STING MUSIC)

SPACE GHOST: My God, woman, that'll kill him!

YOUR MOTHER: Eat your peas.

SPACE GHOST: No! (STING MUSIC)

YOUR MOTHER: Clean your room!

SPACE GHOST: Uh uh! (STING MUSIC) [Hey, this thing in the monitor is not my mother] (MORE STING MUSIC) [My room was always clean. Must think of a plan...]

BATMANTIS: (BACK IN CONTROL ROOM) You are not Catwoman, Julie Newmar is Catwoman.

LEE MERIWETHER: Julie was our first Catwoman. And then I came in and did the movie...

BATMANTIS: Julie's better.

LEE MERIWETHER: Well, Eartha, for my money, was the best Catwoman.

BATMANTIS: Gimme your money! (STING MUSIC)

LEE MERIWETHER: I beg your pardon?

BATMANTIS: Gimme your money! (STING MUSIC)

LEE MERIWETHER: Oh, I see. (LAUGHS) Actually, that, that was very good.

BATMANTIS: You mock me? (STING MUSIC) Purr like a cat!

LEE MERIWETHER: Oh, please, the children! (LAUGHS)

SPACE GHOST: (BACK IN THE STUDIO) Listen up, you parasite, I've joined forces with Batmantis and we'll bring you down!

YOUR MOTHER: Batmantis is no match for me!

SPACE GHOST: No one's a match for you, you harlot! Tell me where Moltar is!

YOUR MOTHER: Repent, Space Ghost. Mourn for the frozen, in five minutes I'll pull the freeze lever, and Moltar becomes glacierized. Or, you surrender your power bands. I await your decision. Don't be late now! (HANGS UP)

ANNOUNCER: Will Space Ghost surrender his power bands and save Moltar from Your Mother? Will Adam West come to his aid or will he wimp out? Will every word Batmantis says be followed by that suspenseful sting music? What will happen next? Why is the sky blue? What is the mystery of the Yeti? (SAYS "HI") Do you know the Muffin Man? Stay tuned to find out!

:INTERRUPT FEED
:START FEED

ANNOUNCER: When we last left him, Batmantis was having a heart-to-heart with Lee Meriwether, and Space Ghost was being bullied by Your Mother.

YOUR MOTHER: Surrender your power bands, Space Ghost. I await your decision. (HANGS UP)

ADAM WEST: Do you have any other questions? (STING MUSIC)

SPACE GHOST: Adam, go peddle your book somewhere else!

ADAM WEST: All right, let me open the book, and read. "Dark ominous clouds hung over the..."

ADAM WEST: Adam, see you at the auto show. (ZAPS HIM OFF SCREEN)

EARTHA KITT: R-r-r-r-aow!

SPACE GHOST: Meow!

EARTHA KITT: You mean "r-r-r-r-aow!"

SPACE GHOST: Meow meow, meow meow meow meow meow meow! (SUBTITLES, WITH BOUNCING DOT: "EARTHA KITT, JOIN MY FORCES TO SAVE MOLTAR.")

EARTHA KITT: What planet are you on?

SPACE GHOST: Ghost Planet.

EARTHA KITT: Well, how does it feel to be on a ghost planet?

SPACE GHOST: It feels like Wednesday every day!

EARTHA KITT: That's interesting.

SPACE GHOST: Adam West refuses to become Batman and help me.

EARTHA KITT: (LAUGHS) But I think that's why he was chosen to be Batman, because it's a sort of non-nothing character.

SPACE GHOST: And he's shallow. Zorak, however, has become Batmantis, and he's more apt to help me.

EARTHA KITT: Oh, once a bug, always a bug.

SPACE GHOST: Shhhh, he's right upstairs.

EARTHA KITT: Oh, I see, okay.

SPACE GHOST: Let me fill you in...

BATMANTIS: (BACK IN THE CONTROL ROOM) Look into my eyes.

LEE MERIWETHER: No.

BATMANTIS: Look into my eyes!

LEE MERIWETHER: You need a, a lobotomy.

BATMANTIS: (LOOKS SHOCKED)

SPACE GHOST: (BACK IN THE STUDIO) And since Adam bailed out, we could use some help.

EARTHA KITT: Yeah, I, well, I don't even think I'll be that interested in any form or fashion.

SPACE GHOST: Is Catwoman a fraidy-cat?

EARTHA KITT: Oh, well, I don't know about that.

SPACE GHOST: How about I call you Chicken Woman?

EARTHA KITT: Well, I'm not very fond of the title...

SPACE GHOST: You're all alike, you Catwomen. Tease tease tease.

EARTHA KITT: Yeah, I feel very feline all the time.

SPACE GHOST: Quit workin' it.

EARTHA KITT: So I feel as though I'm slithering...

SPACE GHOST: Cut the act, sister!

EARTHA KITT: Particularly when I see a man, you know, I want to sort of slither into his arms.

SPACE GHOST: I -- Really?

EARTHA KITT: (EARTHA ZAPS OFF AND IS REPLACED BY YOUR MOTHER)

YOUR MOTHER: Time's up, Space Ghost. Your lolly-gagging kills your friend. Watch as I pull the freeze lever.

SPACE GHOST: Noooooo!!! Moltaaaaar!!!

(SPACE GHOST WAKES UP, ADAM WEST IS ON THE SCREEN AND TALKING)

SPACE GHOST: ... Moltar... huh?

MOLTAR:Hey, Space Ghost, I'm trying to work here.

SPACE GHOST: Moltar, is that really you?

MOLTAR: In the flesh, if I had flesh.

SPACE GHOST: Aww, Moltar! And Zorak!

ZORAK: And what?

SPACE GHOST: I had the most awful dream! Let's have a bake sale.

(VOICES DURING CREDITS)

ZORAK: What are these?

MOLTAR: Butterscotch haystacks.

ZORAK: Gross!

SPACE GHOST: What's in these ladyfingers, Moltar?

MOLTAR: Lady fingers.

ZORAK: Are you gonna look, or are you gonna buy?

SPACE GHOST: Zorak!

MOLTAR: I don't like oatmeal cookies, they make me go.

SPACE GHOST: These look like Fig Newt-- hey, you didn't bake these!