The Non Sense -- Fangarian Director's Cut
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[Dunestar's disclaimer] For those
who visited www.newgrounds.com and checked out the Parody Section,
you know where I got the idea for this, except when me and Ryle
viewed it, we felt the short left us flat. Then I recalled in
What th @!#$ where I did a sketch where I revised many infamous
scenes but with other characters, and thought, why not?
Thus we begin....
THE NON SENSE -- THE FANGARIAN DIRECTOR'S CUT EDITION
Scene begins with Elian in bed, frightened.
[EG] I see dead people...
Janet Reno enters.
[JR] You see what, Elian?
[EG] I see dead people all around, they cover their faces so they don't have to see the smelly rags and smell the stench of the living.
[JR] Uh..huh...so you see dead people in Cuba?
[EG] Oh, si, thousands...
[Dunestar enters] Okay, okay, break it up, what's this about you seeing dead people, kid?
[EG] I see dead people. Smelly, filthy, dead people.
[JR] Uh, Elian, I should warn you that the dead have great attourneys, and getting involved with a supernatural lawsuit would definitely not be in your best interest.
[D] Nah, Ms. Reno, Elian's right. The dead are smelly, filthy creatures.
[JR] And how would you know, Mr. Dunestar, you're Immortal.
[D] And you're incorrigible, haven't you ever met my uncle Beetlejuice...
[BJ] That's one...
[JR]Beetlejuice?
[BJ] That's two....
Door bell rings...
[JR (heads for the door)] I'll get it. (Opens door to find Cartman, Kenny, Kyle and Stan) Oh, it's just Elian's little exchange student friends from that horrible Colorado place.
[D] South Park.
[JR] No, no, it's from that horrible place in Colorado.
[Kyle] Ms. Reno, we'd like to see Elian. We heard he was sick.
[Cartman] Actually I don't wanna see the @#$%er. He sees all that @#$ supernatural @#!#
[JR (shocked)] Mr. Cartman!
[C] What?
[K] Cartman, you can't say @#$% in front of Ms. Reno, you dumb @#$%!
[JR] Mr. Broflovoski!
[Kenny] Hmmm, hmmph...
[JR] Young man!
[Stan] Geez, stop swearin' in front of Ms. Reno, you @!#$@!#%^!
[JR] MR. MARSH!!
(Dunestar heads to the door.)
[D] Oh, it's you guys.
[All] Hi, Dunestar!
[D] C'mon in, Elian's in his room..
[JR] Mr. Dunestar, you are not going to let those foul-mouthed children in here, are you?
[D] Well, I could leave Cartman out there, insult the inhabitants and have a neighborhood shootout occur...
[JR] Okay, let the little dears in (sorry, due to contract restrictions, Ms. Reno can't curse, swear or drink...).
South Park kids enter Elian's room.
[All] Hi, Elian..
[EG] I see dead people.
[C] 'ey! who you callin' dead, you Cuban Communistic...
[S]Dude! He wasn't talkin about you Fat@$$, and even if he was, how could someone not see your dead fat@$$..
[C] I'm not FAT, God@#$%!@ it! I'm big-boned..besides I'm not the crazy person seeing ghosts am I?
[Kenny] Hmmph. MMph. MMph. HmmPh.
[Kyle] That's right, Cartman, you saw Kenny after he died. And I wouldn't be talking if I had an alien anal probe.
[Cartman] WILL YOU SHUT THE @#$! UP? I DIDN'T HAVE NO &^$?! ALIEN PROBE! IT WAS ALL A GOD@#$$! DREAM!!!!!
Ryle enters.
[Ryle] Dude, chill. Hey, Dunestar! Finally, I found you!
[Dunestar] Dude, didn't you get my message?
[R] No, the damn yak ate it! The only way I found out was that Purity mentioned Janet Reno called you.
[EG] I see dead people [hey, is this my only line?]
[R] (yes it is and you'll like it, if you know what's good for you.) Anyway, what's going on?
[D] Well, at first we were talking about Elian's unusual affliction, and somehow it meandered over to Cartman's fat butt!
[C] Hey, you....
[D] But before that I was telling Elian and Ms. Reno about my dead uncle...
[R] Oh, you mean..
[EG] Beetlejuice...
Suddenly an sfx explosion occurs with the ghost-with-the-most emerging out of the floor!
[BJ] WAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! (Stops and looks at the South Park kids) Hiya, Ken. How ya doin'?
[Kenny] Hmmph hmm.
[EG] Ahhh! I see stinkin' dead people...
[BJ] Geez, Elian, give it a rest! Okay, so I smell a little...YOU WOULD TOO AFTER BEING DEAD FOR OVER 700 YEARS!!!
[JR] Hmm...we seem to have gotten off the track...
[D] Nah (thumbing through script). This is the way it's supposed to be, Ms. Reno.
[R] But where's the suspensful action scene?
Scene shifts with Beetlejuice and Elian in the Neitherworld while Dune, Ryle, the SP Kids and Janet Reno ride with Lydia in Doomie down a sloping road into a flaming inferno.
[D] Suspensful enough for ya?
[R] AAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!
[Lydia] How'd I get here, I'm not even supposed to be in this movie!
[Stan] Dude, we're all gonna die!
[Cartman] Son of a b...
But just before Doomie makes impact with the inferno...
SCENE MISSING
Dunestar and the others are unharmed in front of BJ's RoadHouse.
[Ryle (sighing with relief)] Well that was a miracle!
[D] Yes, who knew that was gonna happen?
[Cartman] C'mon you guys, I bet Beetlejuice keeps his Cheesy Poofs in here!
[Lydia] Uh, Cartman, BJ doesn't keep Cheesy Poofs..
[C] What? No cheesy poofs?
[L (holds bag)] Not exactly. (Bag reveals "Wheezy Poots")
Cartman grabs bag, opens it and starts eating.
[Stan] Dude, that is sooo disgustin'!
[Kyle] Nah, Cartman'll eat anything, including dog crap.
[C] Hey! (munch) I'll kick you in the.... (suddenly Cartman lets out a big rippin fart..)
[D] Oh, man! Cartman....
Suddenly, Narutaki from Steam City appears and shoots a glue gun at Cartman.
[C] Ugh! what th--!@#$@#$
[Narutaki] So, you're the little pud that's been stinkin' up Steam City with your smelly personal fogs!
[Dunestar] Yeah, Naru, look around you, does this look like Steam City to you?
[N] Well...no, but things have been kinda slow in my neck of the woods, then I read about that Elian Kid..
Suddenly Elian runs out of the Roadhouse screaming...
[E] Aaaaah! I see Boney dead people! And it wants me to exercise....
Jacques Le Lean chases Elian.
[J] Wait! Monseiur Eleean, wee haven't started ze jogging yet...
[Fanger] Just what the @!#$ going on here? This was supposed to be a story about Elian seeing the deceased, you've totally gone off the mark here!
[Kyle] Dude, it's Cartman's fault. He started eating Neitherworld crap....
[Stan] Yeah and some Japanese boy arrested him for farting up Steam City, wherever that is..
[F (sighing)] Oh, well, [thumbing through script] hey, Pure, can we somehow salvage this...
[Purity (working at Washu's Reality Converter, reading instructions)] Geez, I don't know...damn Washu and her instructions. (disdainfully looking at console) Hold on, let's see what this does (pulls lever and hits some switches.).
Scene transforms into a mountainous region where we see a Julie Andrews-type swirl around and is about to sing, when Ryle pushes her off the cliff.
[Ryle] She was WRONG! The hills are NOT alive with the Sound of Music!
Meanwhile Kenny is sniffing flowers, when the JA look-alike lands on him.
[Kyle] Oh, My God! She Killed Kenny!
[Stan] YOU BASTARD!!!
[Dunestar] Well, did you feel better, Ryle?
[Ryle] I feel cleansed...oh, God...
[EG] I see floating dead kid cussing you out, and stupid lady down there.
[Kyle] Well, at least one good thing came out of this..
[Stan] What's that, dude?
[K] We don't have to hear her singing..
[S] Shut up, dude, I like her singing...
[Purity] Well that didn't work, let's see... (turns some dials, pulls another lever.)
Scene changes to a familiar Haunted House...
[Dunestar] Hmm...why do I seem to know this place?
[Gomez] Dunestar! Why you, old Immortal, what brings you here?
[D] Oh, hello, Uncle Gomez, hmm...did you or Aunt Morticia see a fox and some kids around here?
[GA] Why, no. Maybe Lurch has (pulls noose, gong sounds)
Lurch enters.
[Lurch] You rang?
[GA] Yes, Lurch, seems my nephew's misplaced some kids and a fox, have you come across them?
[L] In Wednesday's Rooom...
[D] Oh, good, I thought they'd might be in trouble or something....
Scene shows SP Kids, Elian and Ryle tied up with apples on their heads while Wednesday readies a six-harpoon gun.
[Wednesday] Relax, (aiming weapon at them) I know what I'm doing...
[Elian] I see dead people?
[Ryle] Move funny and that WON'T be a problem, kid...