all right...there is some back story involved here...first of all i'd like to say that i hate driving. i really do. i don't like it at all. volkswagen does not want me--i am one of the world's great passengers. i like to stare out the side window and let my mind wander, which are not activities that are encouraged in the driving population. so we're starting this whole thing off with me not even wanting a stupid driver's license. but anyways apparently they are just one of those things that everyone absolutely has to have--everyone was getting one so i figured i'd better go get one too.

first you have to go get a learner's permit. ok, fine. i went and got the booklet and skimmed through it and took the test. then you have to go take a thing called "the five-hour class." !!!

so anyways i go and take the class. man oh man was that ever boring. you spend half the time learning you should always wear a seat belt, and the other half learning that you shouldn't drink and drive. well, duh. it was an utter waste of my saturday. then they give you a certificate saying that you went to the class and passed the test they gave you. you need this to get a road test. now...and i did not know this...on the certificate there is some fine print, and it says....

(remember that because it plays a crucial role in why i hate the department of motor vehicles.)

all right...this is where we are--i have a learner's permit (nice picture on it though) and a certificate that says i sat on my butt in a classroom for five hours (five really loooooong hours) listening to a lecture that really had only about fifteen minutes worth of actual content. now what i need is driving experience. which i do not want, because i hate to drive. since i really didn't want to do it, i didn't. practice all that much, i mean. but anyway time went by (a lot of time...you can see where this is going can't you?) and i said to myself, "i guess i should just suck it up and go get the damn license so everyone will get off my back." (if you're old enough to have a license and you don't have one, people think you are some sort of a freak.) by now i'd forgotten all about the stinking certificate. so anyways, (incidentally, you cannot call the dmv and schedule a road test. they don't like you to call on the phone, because when you call on the phone they cannot make you stand in a line. 'tis true!) so i get on the bus, because i can't drive there, and i get in line to get a number. once i've gotten the number, then i can go and stand in a different line so they can tell me what line i need to stand in to make my road test appointment. so i do that and then i get in the road test line. i make it up to the head of the line, tell the service representative (there's a whopper of an oxymoron for you) that i need to schedule a road test. she flips open a book, and tells me the "first available date". well, i couldn't make it that date, because i had a prior committment. so she shuts it (the book) and tells me to come back when i'm going to be able to take a road test. !!!! the "first available date" is apparently the only available date on any given day. hey, that's efficiency for you! i ask her what i need to bring. she says "bring your learners permit."

so i come back a few weeks later, and do the line thing, and they give me a date for the test. now i get out of the line where you get a date for the test, and i go stand in the line where they do the actual scheduling. so i wait and i wait and then i get to the head of the line. and do you know what they ask me for? that damn certificate!!! i don't even know where it is anymore. so i go back home, find the certificate (it was in my jewelry box) and i go back the next day. and that day, my friends, was the day i found out about the fine print on the certificate that i wasted an entire day getting....over a year ago.

so i figured, well screw this for now. i'll just go get another (shudder) five hour class certificate. (they cost something like fifty dollars, too, by the way) and then we can all just get on with this. but it wasn't until a few days later i realized....i didn't have my learner's permit anymore!!that's right, the dmv had kept my learner's permit. and lost my learner's permit.

"all right," you're probably thinking, "that's moderately terrible." but what you don't realize is...

anyways, now i have to start completely over. so i go back to the dmv. blah blah blah, line line line, and i get to the front and say i need to get a learner's permit. the service representative (golly it makes me laugh, saying that) names two other dmv's. i stare at her blankly, she shoves a sheet of directions in my hands and turns to the person behind me. so i get out of line, and then i realize what she means is i have to go to a different dmv now to get a learner's permit. seriously! well, the day is already shot to hell so off i go to one of the other dmv's. all right now, when i left the house in the morning, the weather was ok. but by the time i got to the next dmv, it was pouring rain. so i drip in the first line for a while, drip in the second line for a while, then go drip in a third line where they tell me to go get my picture taken. did i mention i'd walked in through the rain? so i go into the bathroom, (which was filthy), and get some paper towels and try to dry off my hair a bit, which only makes it worse, then i go and get my picture taken. they give you four to choose from, you know. "hello!" my picture seemed to say. "i'm princess stupidhair, ruler of the land of dork!" so i pick the least horrible looking one of four indistiguishably bad photos, then i go sit down on a bench to wait for my turn to take the learner's permit test. and i wait and i wait. i have my gameboy but i'm afraid to start playing, because i'm terrified i'll miss my turn because of this cursed dmv voodoo. so i just sit there and wait and it's really crowded, and absolutely everyone is either wet or pissed off. or both. finally it's my turn, so i go in, i get in a (duh) line, and when i get to the front the (ha ha) service representative yells at me for not filling out my form completely. well, on the form it says "for driver's license only"! i'm trying to get a learner's permit!! so i tried to explain why i didn't fill in those two little lines, and not only does she cut me off, which is very rude, she kicks me out of the line and makes me go back out into the main part of the dmv to fill in two lines of the form!! well, by now i'm just about ready to kill someone, but i fill out the two missing lines, i go back and get in the line again, and they give me the test and a pencil. i thought of about four different ways you could kill someone with a pencil while i was taking the test. so i hand it in, they give me another number and say it'll be 20 minutes or so. 43 minutes go by, and then they finally call me back in and give me the damn permit.

so now i have to go and take the five hour course again. but if the dmv thinks i'm licked, they've got another think coming... i will get that certificate, and i will take the #@$*&^! road test, and i will get a $%&#% license (and make damn sure i get another picture taken.)