Okay.... I'll start off with this. I HATE PeeCees. I can't bloody well stand them. If it were my choice I'd have the DOJ split up Microsoft into infinite number of companies and rule that they could never make money again. Now then, on with my short lived career as a computer tech.

Ahhhh! I'm finally done with my last test in Biochem for the year, and have nothing but sunny skies and whatnot to look forward too. Or so I hoped. Of course, as is the dread of any collage student, my lifestyle of beer and pizzabrought my meager finances to a crashing halt. It looked like I had to get. (insert suspenseful music here) A JOB! The most wretched of all summer activities, but alas, one that had to be done in order for me to live up to my
adapted lifestyle.

Now, I'll let you in on another little secret. I hate work. I figure I've done enough work for a lifetime whilst working for the evil empire that is Southland Corp, AKA, 7-11. I mean in my three years there I mopped up more syrup than most free nations see in a lifetime. If I could have sold all the syrup I mopped up, I could have created a huge empire myself as a glue baron. Have you ever seen
that stuff? Anyway, I'm not here to talk about 7-11. Maybe later.

So, I'm looking for a job that I can do without much effort, and thought, as a full semester learning about enzymes had totally screwed up my brain and it needed a vacation. Basically my brain and I made an agreement. I promised it that as soon as we wrote all our tests, it could lay dormant until September, and unfortunately it lived up to the bargain. My ideal job would be for me to sit behind a desk for eight hours, not have to think, and get paid big bucks. Unfortunately all those jobs are taken by people who have spent their 4 years and $100,000 to get a piece of paper saying that they can do that. Man, what I wouldn't give for one of those papers...

So, after applying at all these companies, hoping that one of them would pay me to do nothing, I resolve to the fact that I'm going to have to work for my pizza. Damnit! So then, I try and figure out what occupation has the next least amount of work. Of course it all points to computer techs! I mean look at most of them. (Warning stereotype alert!) fat, unkempt, and not very active. Just the kind of job I needed to get cash without thinking. So, I waltz into my neighborhood computer giant superstore and ask for a job. Well, TRY to ask for a job. I search for half an hour before I find the computers snuggled in between the Microwaves and the Pet Food. Of course their computer section consisted of an Apple IIe, circa 1985 and a toaster that had a computer chip in it. Hmmm, never thought that a corporation with the word COMPUTER in their name could get away with such outdated products. Anyway, I decide that I REALLY don't want to learn WHY that toaster has a Microchip in it, so I quickly find the exit, which of course is no where near the entrance. I mean that's too simple, right? No you have to pass through their 'aisle of misfit items' before you leave. Hell you're going through this aisle and all these doomed products are jumping out at you begging you to buy them. And it doesn't help matters that all the salespeople are on straight commission. I mean they almost convinced me that I needed a can opener that has a laser site on it, or a fridge magnet that plays American the Beautiful whenever anyone touches it. Fortunately I resisted and was able to escape with my life!

Next I try the computer store across the street. I walk in and again have to fend off the ensuing hoard of vulture/salesmen. Fortunately I was able to avoid the entourage when I threw a dollar into the center of the pack. Got pretty gruesome for that lone buck, but it was the best damn dollar I ever spent! I make my way to the main office and ask for a job. Fortunately they are in need of a person, (yes!) and after looking at my mocked up resume, they agree to hire me, that is after I take THE TEST!

Well, just having completed a years worth of tests in a single day, I'm not to thrilled about THE TEST, especially since I know my comrade, my brain won't be there to help me. So I go into THE TESTING ROOM, which I'm sure is a test in itself. I mean if there was ever anything to break your spirit, it's the room. I've never seen a more putrid shade of red before in my life. It's almost as though if you don't pass THE TEST, they kill you on the spot and add your blood to their walls. Well I sure as hell wasn't going to find out! I opened the book to face THE TEST.

Ha! What a Joke! THE TEST, was surely something to scare people off, but I think it MAY have had some baring on things. It was one of those trick tests.

1. Would you ever give your employee discount to a friend or family
member? (Yes or No)
2. Would you ever steal money? (Yes or No)
3. Would you ever steal merchandise? (Yes or No)
4. Would you ever use your employee discount to buy something and
then sell it for profit? (Yes or No)

And so on for 136 questions. Well after 27 I realized that the ideal answer for all of them was 'No' and just filled in the little bubbles as no all the way through. I think in there somewhere I filled in that 'No I wouldn't mind if they had full possession of my soul,' but hell I didn't care at that point, because I had survived THE TEST!

So, I get a call three days later saying that they were very happy to hire me, (YES!) and that I could start immediately. (YES!) unfortunately, their idea of immediately was 'twenty minutes ago' So now I have to rush around my house, get washed up, and get down there before they change their mind.

13 minutes later, I get there and am ready to start. I fend off the vultures/salesmen by saying 'I'm one of you now' and am able to make my way to THE TECH ROOM Damn, I thought the test room was depressing, this is ten times worse. Picture 5 adult males shoved into a room no larger than most people bathrooms. Now add a bench full of computer monitors and a shelf full of people's prized computers and you have THE TECH ROOM. Ugh I could just picture myself sitting in there for eight hours a day listening to the latest Eminem MP3, hearing all the Monty Python quotes or watching yet another pirated version of Star Wars Episode 1 on one of the tiny computer screens, but that became my life.

After being introduced to the tech room, I had to get fitted for my uniform. Now, if you didn't know me, I'm 6 foot 3, and very solid. Now, the only shirts they have are small, extra small, and insanely small. Fortunately by some odd twist of fate, I was able to fit into the small shirt, but I lost all feeling in my left side. So then, I started on my first task

I was lead back to the tech room and squeezed into the back where 'my' bench was. They had already printed out a nametag for me too... Newbie. <sniff> I felt so included. I didn't need to worry though, I would be getting a unique nickname soon enough. The leader of the techs, X-calibre, handed me a computer and a little sheet. My task was to do what it said on the sheet. Simple enough, I though. I read the sheet. "Installed Program, typed correct serial number. Program says invalid." Okay," I thought. "This person is smoking something." So I booted up the computer, typed in the 37 digit number they provided and it didn't work. So I tired it again. Nope. Same deal. I tried 15 times, each time nothing. So I call tech support. Ugh now THAT'S fun. I'm on hold listening to something that couldn't even qualify as elevator music, and screwing around with her computer. After 45 minutes, I get board and start typing random numbers into the serial number spot, and low and behold. I get it!
Out of all the millions of combinations, I was able to type in 37 random digits and get a serial number. Ha! I beat the system! So I quickly scrawl down the number and tell the others about it. They are totally amazed, and that's how I get my new name, Kcops. Spock spelt backwards, for me being totally illogical. Hell, I didn't complain, it's better than Newbie!