WALLY GATOR running into theater) Time for the show! Time for the show!

BRAK: Oh man, Zorak, I'm so excited! This show's going to be the most special special ever in the history of specials, and do you know why?

ZORAK: Because you're not in it?

BRAK: No, because I am in it. I'm the star, which means I get all the attention. Not me, you. You got that?

ZORAK: Yeah, I got it.

BRAK: OK then.

WALLY GATOR: Are we ready? Oh, good. It's time for "Brak presents the Brak Show, starring Brak!" Joining Brak tonight are Brak, Monica, Freddie Prinze Jr. and the Chieftains. I'm your announcer, Wally Gator. And now, here's the star of our show, the toast of our space...

BRAK: Hello, my name is Brak.
(ZAP!)

ZORAK Wearing hot pants and platform shoes) Daddy's home.

BRAK: Those are my hot pants.

ZORAK: Are you sure? They fit me perfectly.

WALLY GATOR: Look at that mantis percolate.

BRAK: Don't encourage him Wally. Out of my way hot pants.

ZORAK: Yowzaa!

(BRAK GOES TO A CORD AND UNPLUGS THE ILLUMINATED SIGN READING "ZORAK")

BRAK: Zorak, you promised you wouldn't try to take over my show, but you're doin' it anyway. Why did you lie to me?

ZORAK: (Disco dancing) 'Cause I'm a liar.

BRAK: Exactly. That's why I'm going to use this magic plug to cover you with batter, fry you in vegetable oil, and sprinkle you with powdered sugar, and let you cool for 15 minutes like a cake donut.

(BRAK PUTS PLUGS TOGETHER AND ELECTROCUTES ZORAK. ZORAK BLOWS UP. THE ILLUMINATED 'BRAK' SIGN COMES BACK UP.)

BRAK: Now fetch your face. We got a show to do.

ZORAK:Ugggh. I'll be in my trailer. (WALKS OFF)

BRAK: I'm Brak, and this is my show. Let's start it off with the Braktonics (BRAKTONICS PLAY) and the Brakettes.

BRAKETTES: (SINGING) Stomp your hands, clap your feet. We're gettin' down with Tiger Beat.

BRAK: (singing) I know this song is a really cool song, hey. (DANCES) A song like this, can't wait to sing, hey. I'm not sure if it's a song, hey. But jiggle it out, so maybe it is. There's a part with a lot of drums, hey. (DRUMS PLAY) And some sax-phone. (SAXOPHONE PLAYS) And Wally Gator.

WALLY GATOR LAUGHS) Wait a minute. Hi ya.

BRAK: Here's a part I just made up. Old McDonald had a farm...

ZORAK: This isn't a song you idiot, hey.

BRAK:Then why are you singing it Zorak, hey?

ZORAK: I just can't control myself, hey.

BRAK: Maybe it's 'cause it's a really cool song, hey. Hey. Hey.

(THEY ALL DANCE.)

ZORAK & BRAK: The Brak Show!

(AUDIENCE CHEERS)

WALLY GATOR: (laughs) That was great. And now, is the lovely and talented Brak, with Monica.

BRAK: Monica, I can't believe you're really here.

MONICA: Well Brak, I can't believe I'm here either.

BRAK: Oh my darling, let's not fight these feelings we have for each other. Can't you see it's bigger than the both of us?

MONICA: Should we just sing?.

BRAK: Oh yeah, sure.

MONICA: (SINGING) Oooooh, yeah.

BRAK: I love you baby.

MONICA: I love the way that you walk.

BRAK: I love you baby.

MONICA: I love the way that you talk.

BRAK: I really like it when you call my name.

MONICA: Hey, Brakky-wakky.

BRAK: Oooh. I like your uncle.

MONICA: And I like your Aunt Louise.

BRAK:I like your doggie.

MONICA: Hey, you even like his fleas.

BRAK: I really like it when you tickle me. (MONICA TICKLES BRAK) Oh man, oh stop it. Ahhhhhh. Monica...

MONICA: Yes?

BRAK: Everything I have is yours, and everything you have is mine.

MONICA: Oh, really?

BRAK HOLDING PUPPET) Yes. That's why I wanna let you know I took your puppet.

MONICA: Brak, the toy is mine. I want it back, the puppet with a hat. Give it back. Give it back.

BRAK: All right. Here's your stupid puppet. I was just playing with ya.

MONICA: Oh, Brak.

BRAK & MONICA: (TOGETHER) I love you baby. I love the way you walk. I love the way that you talk.

MONICA: Brak, I really like it when you call my name.

BRAK: (IN A REALLY LONG AND DRAWN OUT, SHRILL VOICE) Monicaaaaaaaaaaaa...

MONICA: What?

MONICA:I love you baby. (SHE KISSES HIM.)

WALLY GATOR: Monica, ladies and gentlemen. Isn't she sweet? And now here's the hardest working guy in shoe business, and a heck of a guy to boot, Franz Shoebert.

FRANZ SHOEBERT: (SINGING ON STAGE) Sing ho for the life of a shoe. Three cheers for podiatry. My sole may peel, but I'm no heel. That's my philosophy. Sing hey, Bob and Ray, if I should trip and fall. I'll tie my lace, put a shine on my face and race to the shopping mall. Sing ho for the life of a shoe.

WALLY GATOR: Bravo, bravo. Splendid. Now here's a true story Brak made up about the day he went to the dentist.

BRAK: (IN DENTIST'S CHAIR) Many frightened people like me are afraid to go to the dentist. But, not me. There's nothing to be afraid of, unless your dentist is...

ZORAK: (ENTERS WEARING LAB COAT) Dr. Shriek!

(SHRIEK IN BACKGROUND)

Another satisfied customer. (DRUM ROLL)

BRAK: Are you Dr. Shriek?

ZORAK: Are you a cop?

BRAK: No.

ZORAK: Then yes, I am Dr. Shriek.

(SHRIEK IN BACKGROUND)

They're playing my song. (DRUM ROLL) OK, let's take a look at that broken arm.

BRAK: I don't have a broken arm.

BRAK: Do you want one? (DRUM ROLL)

BRAK: No thank you.

ZORAK: Now you understand there will be some, um, discomfort.

BRAK: Oh no, oh no, oh no, oh no, oh no, oh no, oh no. (WHIMPERS)

ZORAK: Don't worry kid, don't worry. I'm a professional.

BRAK: A professional what?

ZORAK: Bowler. (DRUM ROLL)

BRAK: Doctor, can you give me something for the pain?

ZORAK: Certainly

(ZORAK HITS BRAK OVER THE HEAD WITH A GIANT MALLET.)

ZORAK: Did you feel that?

BRAK: Yes.
(ZORAK HITS BRAK OVER THE HEAD AGAIN WITH THE MALLET.)
I didn't feel that one.

ZORAK: Good, we're ready. Let's do some drillin'.

(ZORAK BRINGS IN A HUGE DRILL.)

BRAK: Man, that's a big drill, and it's getting bigger. Oh, I wish I was somewhere else. Magic toenail, please help me.

(AS DRILL COMES CLOSER TO BRAK, HE FADES OUT AND FADES BACK INTO A BEAUTIFUL, FLOWERY FIELD.)

BRAK: And just like that, I'm somewhere else. Thank you magic toenail. I salute you.
(SINGS) I have a magic toenail. I keep it on my foot. It's always there to rescue me when something goes kaput. It has the cutest cuticles, free of all disease. As toenails go, it's really quite extraordinary. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you, Magic Toenail. It's magical and good. Sometimes I'll take my magic toenail to lunch and give it a sandwich, because it likes to eat the sandwiches.

(ZORAK COMES ON SCREEN BUT COWERS AWAY.)

BRAK: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you, Magic toenail. I love you Magic Toenail. Ah, this place is so beautiful. There's even a babbling brook.

BABBLING BROOK h boy, it's great being a brook. I get to work outdoors. I travel, meet lots of fish. I don't have any natural enemies, except for the beavers...

BRAK TALKING OVER BROOK) Man, this is the best day ever. Shut up!

BABBLING BROOK h, sorry.

BRAK:The only way this day could be better is if I was in the recording studio with The Chieftains.

(BRAK STARTS TO FADE OUT OF SCENE.)

BABBLING BROOK:Hey, where are you goin'? I said I was sorry...

(BRAK FADES OUT OF SCENE AND INTO A RECORDING STUDIO WITH THE CHIEFTAINS.)

BRAK: Just like that I am in the recording studio with The Chieftains. Hey Chieftains!

CHIEFTAINS: Hey Brak!

BRAK: Ready to do a song Chieftains?

CHIEFTAINS:Ready when you are Brak.

BRAK:I was born ready. Let's rock!

CHIEFTAIN 1: 1, 2, 3, 4

BRAK DANCING) Chieftains...

CHIEFTAIN 2: I tell me mum, when I go home, the boys won't leave the girls alone.

BRAK: They pull my hair and stole my comb, but that's all right till I go home.

CHIEFTANS AND BRAK: She is handsome. She is pretty. She is the belle of Belfast City. She is a courtin'. 1, 2, 3. Please won't you tell me, who is she?

BRAK: Albert Mooney says he loves her. All the boys are fighting for her.

CHIEFTAIN 2: 'Ol Jenny Merty says she'll die, if she doesn't get the fellow with the roving eye. Let the wind, let the rain, and hail blow high and the snow come tumbling from the sky.

BRAK: She's as nice as apple pie. She'll get her own line by and by.

CHIEFTAIN 2: When she gets a lot of her own, she won't tell her mom when she gets home.

BRAK: Let them all come as they will, for...

CHIEFTAINS AND BRAK: (BRAK SINGS IN A VERY SHRILL VOICE) I tell me mum, when I go home, the boys won't leave the girls alone. They pull my hair and stole my comb, but that's all right till I go home. She is handsome. She is pretty. She is the belle of Belfast City. She is a courtin'. 1, 2, 3. Please won't you tell me, who is she.

BRAK: Well, I guess I better get back to my show now. So long Chieftains.

CHIEFTAINS: So long Brak.

WALLY GATOR: So I says to the guy, "Is this pie complimentary? You mean I can have it for nothing?" And he says yes. And that just blew me away, just blew me away.

ZORAK: Hey, get off the stage.

WALLY GATOR: I'm just trying to make a good show.

ZORAK: Just get off the stage.

WALLY GATOR: (WHIMPERING) Nobody appreciates me. (WALKS OFF STAGE)

ZORAK:You know, every now and then, a fan will send me a present, like a cow or a blender or a box of chocolates, you know the kind, with the soft, gooey centers, and it really honks me off, because I hate soft, gooey centers. When it comes to candy, you know what I like.

(ZORAK TURNS INTO A ROCK STAR, AND A BAND APPEARS BEHIND HIM.)

Rock candy. Break a tooth, ah. Rock candy. Jawbreaker.
Rock candy. Give me cavities. Rock candy. I like cavities.
Take candy from a baby. Don't take it from a stranger.

(BRAK RUNS ON)

I'm Zorak. I'm a stranger.
Gimme lemon drops and peppermints.
(BRAK SWINGS FROM CEILING ON A ROPE.)
Rock candy. Rock candy. Rock candy. Rock candy. Rock candy. Rock candy. Rock candy...

(ZORAK EXPLODES)

WALLY GATOR: But seriously, here's Brak to unfurl a fierceful flood of fanciful phrases.

BRAK: (IN SONG) Here's some stuff that I like. I like hubcaps. I like laundry. I like waffles. I like ant farms. I like recess, picnics and eatin' pork and beans. I like tin foil and bow ties. I like cardboard and moon pies. When I'm soakin' in the bathtub, I like shooting submarines. Shooting submarines. I like Snoopy. I like Droopy. I like Charles Nelson Reilly. I like Hee Haw, Fat Albert and I also like corn. I like cornflakes, corn dogs. I like corn bread and corn starch. I like to bang corn and pop corn. I like all kinds of corn, all kinds of corn.

BRAKETTES: He likes this, and he likes that. He likes that, and he likes this.

BRAK: Oogeddy boogedy, life is sweet. Oogeddy boogedy, tell 'em girls.

BRAKETTES: When Brak has troubles, he likes to think of just how lucky he is.

BRAK: Because of all the things that I like. (BANGING NOISE) What was that?

DRUMMER: My bad.

BRAK: I like egg rolls and crab rolls, crab legs, but not frog legs. I like duck sauce with duct tape and jumpin' on the bed. I like Popeye, Pip-eye, Pup-eye, Poop-eye, Peep-eye, Olive Oyl and Bluto and falling on my head. Falling on my head. I like... And Big Foot and Yanni. I like Veronica and Betty. Don't call me Jughead. I like Dumbo. I like gumballs and rum balls. I like cheese balls and cheese cake. I like pineapple upside down cake. Why is it upside down? Why is it upside down?

BRAKETTES: He likes this, and he likes that. He likes that, and he likes this.

BRAK: Oogeddy boogedy, you know what I mean. Oogeddy boogedy, tell 'em Franz.

FRANZ SHOEBERT: When Brak has troubles, he likes to think of just how lucky he is.

BRAK: Because of all the things that I like.
(CROWD APPLAUDS. CURTAIN CLOSES.)

ANNOUNCER:It's time for Brak Counter Brak, a discussion of topical issues in a tropical setting. Tonight's topic is...

BRAK: (SWITCHING FROM SIDE TO SIDE, TALKING TO HIMSELF)
That is totally incorrect.
We haven't started yet.
So you wanna start something?
What are you talking about?
'Cause if you start it, I'll tell you what, I'll finish it.
Are you sure you can finish it? Maybe I should box that up for you?
Good idea. Then we can have it later.
With our toast.
What toast? You know I don't like toast.
Oooh, I think you'll like this toast. It's free.
Free you say?
And it's toast.
Wow, will you throw in the jelly?
I thought you'd never ask. Throw in the jelly. Yee haw!

(ZORAK FLIES IN ON A GIANT JAR OF JELLY AND HITS BRAK.)

WALLY GATOR: And now, here's that lovable ragamuffin, Freddie Prince Jr. on the road with our own Mad Max of comedy, Brak.

(PRINCE STANDING ON ROAD, THUMBING FOR A RIDE. ONE CAR PASSES. BRAK PASSES BY IN A SMALL PINK TRUCK AND STOPS.)

BRAK: Hey, (BEEPS) Hey Freddie. Freddie Prince, Jr. I'm down here. (BEEPS) Hey Freddie, in the truck. Freddie! It's me, Brak. You want a ride?

FREDDIE: How far you going?

BRAK: Cardboard City. Hop in.

FREDDIE: You sure you got room in there?

BRAK: Yeah, let me just move my cardboard here.
(DRIVING) Freddie, you know, since we're drivin' down 40 in my big ol' pick up truck, I think we should sing a song called I'm drivin' down Highway 40 in my big ol' pick up truck. What do you think about that?

FREDDIE: Wow!

BRAK:Yeah, that's what I thought. Why don't you start out singing the word truck, OK?

FREDDIE: OK.

BRAK: (singing) I'm driving down Highway 40 in my big ol' pick up...

FREDDIE: Truck.

BRAK:Now sing 40. I'm drivin' down Highway...

FREDDIE:40

BRAK:In my big ol' pick up...

FREDDIE: Truck.

BRAK:Now sing ol'. I'm drivin' down Highway...

FREDDIE: 40

BRAK:In my big

FREDDIE l'

BRAK:Pick up...

FREDDIE:Truck.

BRAK: Now everything.

BRAK & FREDDIE: I'm drivin' down Highway 40 in my big ol' pick up truck.

BRAK: Now sing like girls.

BRAK & FREDDIE: (LIKE GIRLS) I'm drivin' down Highway 40 in my big ol' pick up truck.

BRAK: Now like fishies.

BRAK & FREDDIE: (LIKE FISHIES) I'm drivin' down Highway 40 in my big ol' pick up truck.

BRAK: Like monsters

BRAK & FREDDIE: (LIKE MONSTERS) I'm drivin' down Highway 40 in my big ol' pick up truck.

BRAK: Piggies

(BOTH SING AND SNORT)

BRAK: Like Tom Brokaw.

FREDDIE: What?

BRAK: (LIKE TOM BROKAW) I'm drivin' down Highway 40 in my big ol' pick up truck. Katie... Breathe...
(BOTH BREATHE)
Wait for it... Beg for it...

BRAK & FREDDIE: I'm drivin' down Highway 40 in my big ol' pick up truck.

BRAK: Oh man!

(BOTH RIDE AWAY SNORTING LIKE PIGS; TRANSITION TO NEXT SKIT)

BRAKETTES: El Brakiachi. El Brakiachi. El Brakiachi. He rules the desert with his tuba.

BUG: El Brakiachi is his name.

BRAKETTES: He rules the desert with his tuba.

BUG: El Brakiachi is his name.

BRAK: (WITH SOMBRERO AND TUBA) I'm Brakiachi, the famous Maruichi, searching for marching bands in need of my amazing tuba.
(AUDIENCE CHEERS)

ZORAK: (ENTERS) And I am El Grandito, the speedy bandito.

AUDIENCE MEMBER: Boooo!

ZORAK:Shut up you!

AUDIENCE MEMBER: Yeah, whatever.

ZORAK:This is my town, and our marching band is not big enough for the tuba of us.

BRAK: What did you say?

ZORAK: I said tuba of us.

BRAK: Them's strong words hombre, but I let my tuba do the talking for me. (TALKING FOR THE TUBA) Hello Mr. Bandito, I'm Brakiachi's tuba. Can I play you a song?

ZORAK:Sure, how about 'Do You Know the Way to San Jose?'?

(BRAK BLOWS TUBA HARD, KNOCKING ZORAK DOWN.)

BRAKETTES:El Brakiachi, El Brakiachi.

BRAK:That's my name, don't wear it out. Cha! Cha! Cha! Cha!

(BACK TO STAGE)

WALLY GATOR: Brak is just full of malarkey tonight. Someone take that malarkey away from Brak. It's crazy man time. Of course, here's Brak.

BRAK SINGING) Beef log, beef log, what a treat. A hefty hunk of processed meat. Dipped in mustard, oh what joy. I'm a jolly beef log boy. Hot and spicy, mild or plain, I even eat the cellophane. I might share some with my dog, 'cause we both love beef log. Oh boy!

ZORAK: Brak, I beg to disagree. Cheese log is the log for me. As a meal or as a snack, it's my favorite saturated fat. Cheese log, cheese log, cylindrical and yellow. Cut the cheese log, and I'm a happy fellow.

(BRAK AND ZORAK SING DUELING "LOG" SONGS, AND THE CROWD CHEERS.)

BRAK:Well, that's our show for tonight. I'd like to thank all our guests. But I don't have time. We're going to Ohio.
(BAND PLAYS)
(SINGING) Tell my uncle. Tell my aunt. I got my teeth in nice and straight. Chicken nuggets in my pants. I'm on my way to the buckeye state. Oh hi, Ohio, round on the end and "hi" in the middle. (WITH BRAKETTES) Oh hi. Ohio. Oh hi, oh hi, oh hi, oh.

BRAKETTES h how hi, hi o.

ZORAK:Up in Cincinat-I-A, there's a girl named Clarabelle. If she knew I's on my way, I'm pretty sure she'd run like...

BRAK:Hello Cleveland. Hello Toledo. Hello Columbus.

PICTURE OF COLUMBUS: Bonjourno Braka.

BRAK: Oh hi, Ohio, round on the end and "hi" in the middle. There's a riddle, what's round on the end and "hi" in the middle?

ZORAK: Oh, I know this, it's um...

BRAK: No, oh hi, oh hi, o. Stupid. Stupid dummy.

ZORAK:That does it, I quit.

BRAK: Too late. Show's over. Good night everybody.

from tansut's web page

Tanust: I told him that I did not want to do an update this month, but he is making me. Well, he is stupid! With his stupid tights and his stupid cape. Space Ghost is nothing but a mean stupid person who only cares about himself!!! His stupid Web page should be StupidPerson.Com.

I do not like him. And I do not like being made to things that I do not want to do. It's always, "Tansut, do this" and "Tansut, do that." "Tansut take off your shirt and get in this scene." Well, I do not appreciate being made to appear naked on television! Now everywhere I go people will make fun and say mean things.

And all this after catching pneumonia during my last update. "Suck it up," said Stupid Mean Space Jerk. "Just shake it off." Well, I have news for you. You can't "shake off" pneumonia! I am lucky to be alive!

If I could, I would put my hands on his arm. And I would twist it like this. And he would start hurting. And I would twist it some more. And he would say, "No, it hurts!" And I would say, "That's what you get, you big dumb fathead. That's just what you get!!!"

If they do not start being nicer to me, I will leave. I will do it, too. You will see. I will pack up my knee brace and I will buy an R.V. I will go live where people are nice to each other and are happy to see me.

Here's your update, you mean... stupid... person who I do not like!

~ Nintenfreak ~